Not Belonging

"Who am I?"

This is a question I've been asking myself for almost a decade.

I think everyone does ask this question once in a while.

I was born in a family moves quiet a lot.

I've lived in a few different countries and several different cities.

Whenever I was asked where I'm from, I usually say

"I'm from Japan"

and it's not wrong.

My parents are Japanese and I speak Japanese the most fluently.

But....I've lived outside Japan more than I've lived in Japan.

So am I really a Japanese?

I feel like I'm more Japanese when I'm outside Japan.

I feel like I'm more foreigner when I'm in Japan.

I look back what I have said, ate, saw, liked, disliked, etc.

and I thought I can find who I am

But I couldn't.

All the memories I had in my mind were me saying something peculiar and people around me didn't know how to react to what I've said.

I was sad and felt

lonely

This past few years, however,

I think I know

who I am.

I always felt lonely for not belonging in Japanese community.

But I don't need to belong in anywhere.

I should love myself as who I am; who doesn't completely belong anywhere.

It's still in progress to have a healthy mindset of loving myself as who I am.

Sometimes I look back a lot and put a heavy weight on my back because I did said or acted like the people around me.

It's a long journey but hopefully, the day I can fully accept myself is soon to be arrived.